In 1967, John Lennon wrote a vocal called, "All You Need Is Honey." He likewise beat both of his wives, abandoned i of his children, verbally abused his gay Jewish manager with homophobic and anti-semitic slurs, and once had a camera crew film him lying naked in his bed for an entire 24-hour interval.

Thirty-v years later, Trent Reznor from 9 Inch Nails wrote a vocal chosen "Love Is Not Enough." Reznor, despite being famous for his shocking phase performances and his grotesque and disturbing videos, got clean from all drugs and booze, married one woman, had two children with her, and and so canceled unabridged albums and tours and then that he could stay home and exist a good husband and father.

I of these two men had a clear and realistic understanding of love. 1 of them did not. 1 of these men arcadian love as the solution to all of his problems. 1 of them did not. One of these men was probably a narcissistic asshole. One of them was non.

In our culture, many of us idealize dear. We see it as some lofty cure-all for all of life's problems. Our movies and our stories and our history all celebrate it equally life'south ultimate goal, the concluding solution for all of our pain and struggle. And considering we idealize honey, nosotros overestimate information technology. As a event, our relationships pay a price.

When we believe that "all we need is dearest," then like Lennon, we're more likely to ignore fundamental values such as respect, humility, and delivery towards the people we care about. Afterwards all, if dear solves everything, then why bother with all the other stuff—all of the hard stuff?

But if, like Reznor, nosotros believe that "love is not plenty," and so we understand that good for you relationships require more than than pure emotion or lofty passions. We understand that there are things more important in our lives and our relationships than simply being in love. And the success of our relationships hinges on these deeper and more important values.

The problem with idealizing love is that it causes united states of america to develop unrealistic expectations about what dear actually is and what it can do for us. These unrealistic expectations then sabotage the very relationships we hold dear in the offset identify.

Allow me to illustrate:

ane. Love Does Not Equal Compatibility

Just considering you autumn in dear with someone doesn't necessarily mean they're a good partner for you lot to exist with over the long term. Dear is an emotional procedure. Compatibility is a logical process. And the ii don't bleed into one another very well.

It'southward possible to autumn in love with somebody who doesn't care for us well, who makes u.s.a. experience worse about ourselves, who doesn't concord the same respect for u.s.a. every bit we practise for them, or who has such a dysfunctional life themselves that they threaten to bring united states down with them.

Abstract painting love is not enough

It'southward possible to autumn in honey with somebody who has different ambitions or life goals that are contradictory to our own, who holds different philosophical beliefs or worldviews that clash with our own sense of reality.

It's possible to fall in beloved with somebody who sucks for u.s. and our happiness.

That may sound paradoxical, merely it'south true.

When I retrieve of all of the disastrous relationships I've seen or people accept emailed me about, many (or almost) of them were entered into on the basis of emotion—they felt that "spark" and and then they just dove in head kickoff. Forget that he was a born-again Christian alcoholic and she was an acrid-dropping bisexual necrophiliac. It just felt right.

And so six months after, when she's throwing his shit out onto the lawn and he's praying to Jesus twelve times a day for her conservancy, they look around and wonder, "Gee, where did it go wrong?"

The truth is, it went incorrect earlier it fifty-fifty began.

When dating and looking for a partner, yous must use not only your center, just your mind. Yeah, you desire to discover someone who makes your center flutter and your farts smell like blood-red popsicles. But you besides need to evaluate a person's values, how they treat themselves, how they care for those shut to them, their ambitions, and their worldviews in general.

Because if you fall in love with someone who is incompatible with you… well, as the ski instructor from Due south Park one time said, you're going to have a bad time.

2. Dear Does Non Solve Your Relationship Problems

My first girlfriend and I were madly in love with each other. We also lived in dissimilar cities, had no money to see each other, had families who hated each other, and went through weekly bouts of meaningless drama and fighting.

Man and woman kissing love is not enough

And every time we fought, we'd come back to each other the adjacent 24-hour interval and brand up and remind each other how crazy we were near one some other and that none of those fiddling things matter considering nosotros're omg sooooooo in love and we'll notice a way to work it out and everything volition be great, just you lot await and see. Our love made us feel similar we were overcoming our bug, when on a practical level, absolutely cipher had changed.

As y'all tin can imagine, none of our problems got resolved. The fights repeated themselves. The arguments got worse. Our inability to ever run across each other hung around our necks similar an albatross. We were both self-absorbed to the point where we couldn't even communicate that effectively. Hours and hours talking on the phone with nothing actually said. Looking back, at that place was no promise that information technology was going to last. Yet we kept it up for three fucking years!

After all, love conquers all, correct?

Unsurprisingly, that relationship flare-up into flames and crashed like the Hindenburg into an oil patch. The pause up was ugly. And the big lesson I took away from it was this:

This is how a toxic human relationship works. The roller coaster of emotions is intoxicating, each high feeling even more important and more than valid than the i before, merely unless there's a stable and practical foundation beneath your anxiety, that rising tide of emotion will eventually come and launder it all away.

3. Love Is Not Always Worth Sacrificing Yourself For

I of the defining characteristics of loving someone is that you are able to recall outside of yourself and your own needs to help care for another person and their needs as well.

Only the question that doesn't get asked often enough is exactly what are you lot sacrificing, and is information technology worth information technology?

Sad girl realizing that love is not enough

In loving relationships, information technology's normal for both people to occasionally sacrifice their own desires, their own needs, and their own time for one some other. I would contend that this is normal and salubrious and a big part of what makes a human relationship then great.

Simply when it comes to sacrificing one's self-respect, one'south nobility, i's physical torso, one's ambitions and life purpose, just to be with someone, so that aforementioned love becomes problematic. A loving relationship is supposed to supplement our individual identity, not damage it or replace it.

If we find ourselves in situations where we're tolerating disrespectful or abusive behavior, then that's substantially what nosotros're doing: we're allowing our love to swallow us and negate united states, and if nosotros're not careful, it will leave us a shell of the person we once were.

In fact, this is the paradoxical decision I come up to in my Healthy Relationships Course in The Subtle Art School—that sometimes the all-time outcome for a relationship is for it to finish. Some things are not worth sacrificing for. Some things simply cannot be fixed.

One of the oldest pieces of human relationship advice in the book is, "You and your partner should be best friends." Most people look at that piece of advice in the positive: I should spend time with my partner like I do with my best friend, I should communicate openly with my partner like I do with my all-time friend, I should have fun with my partner like I exercise with my best friend.

But people should also look at it in the negative:

Amazingly, when nosotros inquire ourselves this question honestly, in nearly unhealthy and codependent relationships, the reply is "no."

I know a young woman who only got married. She was madly in love with her husband. And despite the fact that he had been "betwixt jobs" for more than a year, showed no interest in planning the hymeneals, oftentimes ditched her to have surfing trips with his friends, and her friends and family raised non-and so-subtle concerns virtually him, she happily married him anyhow.

But once the emotional loftier of the nuptials wore off, reality prepare in. A twelvemonth into their marriage, he'due south still "between jobs," he trashes the business firm while she's at work, gets aroused if she doesn't melt dinner for him, and any time she complains he tells her that she'due south "spoiled" and "arrogant." Oh, and he still ditches her to take surfing trips with his friends.

And she got into this state of affairs considering she ignored all three of the harsh truths in a higher place. She idealized dear. Despite being slapped in the face past all of the ruddy flags he raised while dating him, she believed that their love signaled human relationship compatibility. It didn't. When her friends and family raised concerns leading up to the wedding, she believed that their love would solve their problems somewhen. It didn't. And now that everything had fallen into a steaming shit heap, she approached her friends for advice on how she could sacrifice herself fifty-fifty more to brand it work.

And the truth is, information technology won't.

Why exercise we tolerate beliefs in our romantic relationships that we would never ever, ever tolerate in our friendships?

Imagine if your best friend moved in with you, trashed your place, refused to become a job or pay rent, demanded you lot melt dinner for them, and got angry and yelled at you any time you lot complained. That friendship would be over faster than Paris Hilton'south interim career.

Or some other situation: a man's girlfriend who was so jealous that she demanded passwords to all of his accounts and insisted on accompanying him on his business trips to brand sure he wasn't tempted by other women. This woman was like the NSA. His life was practically under 24/vii surveillance and you could see information technology wearing on his cocky-esteem. His self-worth dropped to nothing. She didn't trust him to practice annihilation. Then he quit trusting himself to do anything.

Yet he stays with her! Why? Because he'southward in love!

Retrieve this:

You can fall in dearest with a wide diversity of people throughout the course of your life. You can fall in honey with people who are healthy and people who are bad for you. You lot can autumn in love in healthy ways and unhealthy ways. You can fall in dearest when you lot're young and when you're old. Love is not unique. Love is not special. Love is not scarce.

But your cocky-respect is. Then is your dignity. So is your ability to trust. There tin potentially exist many loves throughout your life, but in one case yous lose your self-respect, your dignity or your ability to trust, they are very hard to get back.

Love is a wonderful experience. Information technology's one of the greatest experiences life has to offer. And information technology is something everyone should aspire to experience and savour.

But like any other experience, it can be healthy or unhealthy. Like whatever other experience, it cannot be immune to define us, our identities, or our life purpose. We cannot allow it eat us. We cannot sacrifice our identities and cocky-worth to information technology. Because the moment we practise that, nosotros lose honey and nosotros lose ourselves.

Considering you need more in life than honey. Honey is great. Love is necessary. Beloved is beautiful. But love is not enough.